What about now....What about today.

Today is the first time I've blogged in forever.

Things have been really confusing for me lately. I made a big giant mess in my life and I have absolutely no idea how to get out of it. I've been praying a lot. I go back and forth every day, several times a day, about what I'm supposed to do. I know that it's all my fault. I just put things off until it turns into a giant ordeal. I'm not sure how much detail to go into, but I'm sure anyone reading this already knows what I'm talking about.

School is going well. I'm working hard and trying to get done. I am really just so sick of school at this point. I can't wait for it to be over with.

The baby is doing marvelously. I can't believe he's almost 2. He is smart and playful and he's an all around fantastic child. I love being with him. He makes me laugh all the time. He is like a little parrot and repeats everything we say.

We just got rid of our dog and cat. I am still pretty sad about it. The baby still asks about them from time to time, so I think he misses them too. I basically just got tired of taking care of them. I know that sounds selfish. Before Leonardo was born I spent so much of my time, money, and love on those animals. After he was born they faded into the backdrop. I never had time to play with them, or do things with them like I used to. I was feeling really guilty about it. It started to seem like the only time I noticed them was when they were doing something bad. Plus, with our busy schedules, I never had time to put the dog out and he was peeing in the house sometimes, which of course drove me crazy. So I decided to put an add on craigslist, just to see what would happened. I was going to just put the dog on, but since they both grew up together, I figured I might be able to get them a home together so I placed two seperate adds. Well, I got an overwhelming response. Probably because Emilio is a purebreed. I had probably 30 responses in less than 24 hours. Two of them offered to take the cat and dog together.

I ultimately settled on one really nice lady. She had a dog and 2 cats already. Earlier this year she had to put two of her little dogs to sleep. Both within a 6 month period. So she had 2 spots to fill. She lives on a huge 3 acre piece of land in Clinton. There's a little pond and she has an invisible fence around the parameter. I went to her house for an in person interview. It was beyond perfect. Emilio got along great with her dog. Giovanni was timid, but he was eating and warming up to her after a day or so. She's a nice, older lady. She really loves animals and it showed. She had tons of toys. She told me about her daily routine which basically revolved around feeding and playing with her pets. On top of that she pays a man to come by during the day while she's at work and socialize with the animals and put the dogs out. It was all I could have hoped for. I know they will be so much happier with her than with me. I miss them, but I just wasn't able to give them any of my time or energy.

I started a new job like 3 weeks ago. I really love it and I'm really good at it. It's telemarketing, which I'm not keen about, but it is a good fit for me. I get people to renew their magazine subscriptions. There are a lot of perks. First of all you make your own schedule every week. You have to schedule at least 20 hours and you have 7 days worth of shifts to pick from: Mon-Fri 6pm-11pm, Sat 10am-3pm and Sun 1-6. The shift starts late enough that I never need sitters for the baby. Dan is almost always off on time for me to go to work. Also, I get paid every week, there's no uniforms, and the environment is really laid back (you can eat, drink, cuss, text, and play around with the other workers). There's no such thing as a call off, you just call in and tell them you can't work your shift and you just switch for a day you aren't working. That offers me a lot of flexibility. I get paid a base rate plus commission. I have been making a killing. My wages end up being between $10-$20 bucks an hour. Even on bad nights. Not everyone does so well, but I'm one of the all stars in the room. I almost always finish in the top five of the room for sales every night. I really thrive on the competition and knowing that with every sale I'm raising my base pay.

It's pretty much the perfect job for now, till I graduate from school. I really can't do the whole 9-5 thing right now. Daycare is a fortune and I can't seem to find an office job that pays more than $11. So when I did the calculations, 40 hours a week in daycare would cost me around $3.50 an hour. Bringing my base pay figuratively down to just $7.50. Which is hardly worth letting some other person I don't know raise my son for 8 hours or more of every day. I'd rather make a little less(which I'm technically not) and have Leonardo with either me or Dan.

I hope I sort things out in life. Generally things are always good. I am blessed and have a lot to be thankful for. I guess I'm infamous for creating turmoil in my life and always thinking when things are good that something must be wrong. I will keep praying. I just know in my heart that no matter how bad I fuck up, things will always work themselves out one way or the other. They always have, I'm sure they always will. Nobody is perfect and there aren't any rules or guides to life. You just have to try to make the best decisions you can and try your best.

Psychoanalyzation here I come!!!

So for you guys that read the blog below.....
I called a therapist today and Dan and I have an intake appointment this week. I'm a little scared. It's probably just going to be a lot of hashing for the first few sessions. Then maybe we can try to resolve some things. I really hope Dan will feel comfortable talking and opening up. I really think I'm going to punch him in the face if all he brings up is sex. I'm almost 99% positive that's what he'll do. Because everytime we try to talk about our problems that's the only thing he talks about. Sexual favors solve basically every disagreement or comprimise that we work on. Sad. Very sad. I suppose I should try to be thankful that he isn't disgusted by me or something, but still it's aggravating.
I also really hope that I will be able to really give of myself and fix things on my end. I know how stubborn I can be. I know how selfish I can be too. I worry that I will shut down and get all defensive when it's my turn to get bashed. I worry that I might not care enough to change. I guess we'll have to see.

Turn and face the strange...ch-ch-changes. Time may change me. But I can't change time.

Today was unlike any other.

I hate how I know exactly what I need to do to fix things and yet I do nothing. I suppose most people are that way. I give good advice to people and then I don't take it. I suppose most people are that way too.

I have been having marital problems. I'm not exactly sure why. I just know that I'm not happy. But maybe that's just it, "I'M" not happy. Is it just me not being happy? Or does he have a big part in my unhappiness? Does my weekly binge drinking add to it? Is the fact that my in-law's divorce is forcing me to focus on my own not-so-perfect marriage? Is it my lies? Is it depression? I don't know. I just know I haven't been really happy for a while now.

I feel like our relationship was built on a rocky foundation. There was a lot of lies and lack of real trust for each other. He cheated. I cheated. He lied. I lied. He disrespects me. I disrespect him. Sometimes it's hard to see how we ever got married in the first place.

I'm sure lots of people would say I should divorce him if I'm not happy but I have a lot to consider before I do that. For one thing, I took vows that we would do whatever it took to try to work it out. Of course Dan is completely willing to do anything at this point(but only because I've put the fear of God into him by mentioning that I was thinking of leaving him. He never does anything till he's scared). We have a son together who we both love very much. Dan is a great father and there's no one on this earth I'd rather raise a child with. I sort of think it might be better to separate now while he is young so that he won't know the difference, and so that he doesn't have to bear witness to our incessant fighting and nitpicking of each other.

I worry that a lot of our problems are my fault. I know they aren't ALL my fault but I know I can be really rude and disrespectful to him at times and that I have a lot of emotional issues that he has to deal with all the time. I haven't exactly been the best wife to him the last few years. I've been lying to him about a lot of things. I guess it's like your classic chicken and egg argument. Which came first? The unhappy union? or the bad wife persona?

I mean, I was hopelessly devoted to this man for the first 5 or so years of our relationship. He would dump me. He would cheat. He would lie. He acted ashamed of me. He put anyone and anything ahead of me. Like a fool, I sat around waiting for him to come around. I'd spend whole weekends by myself, cooped up in my apartment while he ran around town with his friends. I'd just sit and wait for him to call in the middle of the night to pick him up. When he'd dump me(which happened more times than I could count), I never went out or dated. I just begged him to come back to me. I sat at home, once again, just waiting for him to call me. Of course we were much younger then. I tried to let it all go. I don't know if I ever really did though. We met as teenagers and I figured he needed to sow his oats or something ridiculous like that. It wasn't until after about 5 years of dating, and a particularly bad break up that I finally started feeling that I should move on. So I started dating while we were broke up and slept with a few guys. I don't know if I ever felt the same about Dan after that. He only started getting serious with me when his brother saw me with another guy while we were broken up and told him about it. He made an "about-face" at that point and wanted to move in with me and everything.

A lot of time has passed since those days. A lot has changed.

I really have no horrible complaints about him besides that I'm just not in love anymore. I feel more like he's my brother. I hate the way that we can't have an intelligent discussion. I hate the way he doesn't care about anything I do, like school or work. I hate that he doesn't push me to be a better person like I push him. I hate that he's not supportive of me. I hate that he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him. I hate it that he's never romantic and never goes out of his way to show that he cares. I hate the way that I'm badgered into having sex every single day, sometimes numerous times a day. If he doesn't get sex he makes me feel guilty about it or gets mad. I really hate sex now. I do it, but only out of what I feel is an obligation to him. He really could care less if I enjoy it or not. He can't even kiss me or cuddle with me without trying to bone me. I hate that he deliberately disrespects me by lying or sneaking behind my back or just intentionally trying to irritate me.

I'm not sure if all those things just define your typical man, or if they describe someone I'm just not happy with. I wonder if 8 years down the road I'd feel the exact same way about someone else I was with. I don't know. I know at this point, I really just wish I had a fresh, clean, honest relationship with someone. I don't know if we can get that back.

He is a decent man though. He works very hard to support me and Leonardo. He's always around when I need him. I know he loves me. I know he loves my son. He's an over all nice guy.

I'm really confused and unhappy. Of course I'm not jumping to any irrational decisions. I need to get us into some therapy. Maybe an impartial judge could shed some light on our situation and help us work through our problems. Or maybe I just made a mistake and picked the wrong guy to marry. I feel like I fought for him for so many years and that it was an empty victory. That maybe I didn't really think about what I was trying to win. I just wanted to win it. Sounds awful, huh? Or maybe this is just the 8 year itch, and since relationships all have ups and downs, this might just be one of the low points we'll have to work through together.

People are funny sometimes!

Today is the day of everlasting sleep.

I am so exhausted and for no good reason. I feel like I just can't ever get enough sleep. It might be my anemia. So I started taking my iron tablets again like a week ago. Hopefully it helps.

I'm trying to quit smoking, again.....LOL!! I don't know how I ended up starting back up in the first place. That was pretty dumb.

And I know it's been a while but here's my secret of the week from Postsecret.com. Yes, I still read them religiously. I picked this one because it's absolutely true and it offered me a bit of inspiration.


I guess that's all I have for today. Have a great week all!

My heart is broke but I have some glue, let me inhale and mend it with you. We'll float around and hang out on clouds.

Then we'll come down and have a hangover. Have a hangover!!!!


Today is the day I get to leave for home.

I've been in Wisconsin since Sunday and I've had enough. We've been here for Dan's job. He's been working 12 hour shifts. Me and the baby have been stuck in a hotel room all week with nothing better to do than eat. I'm sure I've put on ten pounds here. Can't wait to get home and get back to my life. I did sleep a lot here though. More than I have in a year probably. So I do feel somewhat refreshed.

I'm in a funk and I want to get out. I need motivation to getting the important shit in my life done. I blame the alcohol for a lot of my laziness and depression. I mean, don't get me wrong, I maybe drink once a week. I guess that could still qualify me as an alcoholic, maybe just not by traditional standards. I just know that's the only thing that I've done differently in the months that have accompanied this everlasting funk. I used to drink maybe once a month if that. It's time to go back to that.

It feels like I blog the same things over and over again. It also feels like I only bitch in my blogs.

Love Fool

Today is the day I'm going to post a blog.

Sorry to my two readers that I don't find the time for this anymore. The MMORPG game World of WarCRACK owns my soul. It happened quite unexpectedly really. But I fucking love that game. The only bad thing about it, is that you don't play for like an hour you play for like 7. I usually wait till the baby is in bed and start playing then. All the people who play it joke about how addictive it is and that you need a 12 step program to quit playing. I'm sure that's the truth.

Anyways, my last weigh in was 168. So I'm still losing slowly but surely. My clothes don't fit me. Which would be a good thing if I had money to buy new ones, but I don't. So the world will have to suffer with seeing my asscrack all day and wondering if I took a dump in my pants because there's a big baggy spot where my fatter ass use to be. Oh well, how can you even complain?

The baby started walking about a month ago. He's like a little drunk man. It's so cute and it was very much anticipated. Now I have to chase him around. Maybe that's why I'm losing so much weight. That or my new nicotine obsession where I can't go an hour without a cigarette.

I'm still plugging away at school. This semester has been arduous and I'm not very motivated to get a lot done. I'm basically just squeeking by, but that's not the first or the last time I've done that in a semester.

I guess that's all I have to say. We'll see how long it takes for people to notice the update seeing as it's been a while. Maybe I'll post a bulletin or something.

HOLLA!

Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds.

Today is weird.

I lost 2.6 at weigh in. Bringing me to a new all time low for WW. 46 pounds down, 27 pounds to go. I'm 172.2 now. So that means I could very well slip into the 160's next week if I'm a good girl. I haven't been there in a while so that will be nice. Also, I'm only 4 pounds away from the 50 pound mark which is a special mark for WW. I get a little charm for my 10% keychain that they give you. You don't get those very often. I only have the one they give you for sticking to the program for 16 weeks.

It's nice to get back to all my little celebration rituals. Like I have this bag of beans that I collect for every pound I lose. My original WW leader gave everyone an empty ziploc baggie with a cute label on it. And for every pound you lose you have to put in a bean. Well, because of my bouncy weight I was taking the same 5 or 6 beans in and out of the bag every week. So it really lost it's purpose. Now I can finally add a few new ones.

Also, I have this weight loss thermometer thing. You color in a new line for every pound you lose. Once you reach your goal weight the whole thing will be colored in. This is the first week in months that I've been able to color a new line on it. So that was nice.

I haven't really been following the plan. I just don't snack anymore and I eat much smaller portions. I also have my cupboard stocked with 100 calorie snack packs. My fridge is full of fruit,low fat milk, and bottled water and I have a freezer full of low fat micro meals. I rarely eat out, and when I do I don't order as much as I used to. These new habits are more stress related than legitimate decisions to lose weight I suppose, but whatever works. I followed the WW plan so strictly for the first many months that now I'm like a genius at it. I can tell you how many points a food has without even using a points finder. It's pretty simple really. I still mentally keep track of points in my head to guide my eating decisions during the day. So I still see the plan as something worthwhile to use and the real tool to my weight loss. I'm just not a WW Nazi(as Nikki calls it) anymore. I felt better about it when I was, but it's too hard to live like that all the time. It gets boring and tedious.

Nothing much else has been going on. Me and my husband had an issue over the weekend. We've been on eggshells a bit since, but it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. I know I love him and I know he loves me so we'll always find a way to work things out. He just has issues trusting me, and legitimately so. I should have the same issues with him though, and I really don't. He's been getting upset about my Monday night karaoke at The Village ritual. He always lets me go, but he feels like that's too often for me to go out. He's really just afraid I'm going to cheat on him. I don't know what to do to keep us both happy. Somebody's going to get the short end of the stick one way or the other, and as all you coupled people know, comprimise is easier said than done. Especially when you both think you're right. We'll work it out though. We always do, and maybe he's right. Maybe I should settle into the idea that I'm a mommy now and I should kiss any of the freedom and fun in my life goodbye. I mean, how appropriate is it to be a mother and leave your child at home with daddy while you drink like a fish with your younger single friends at a shithole bar? It's a question I go back and forth on often. Some would say it's fine, others that it's inappropriate. In my whacked out head I manage to fit both ideas in at once.

Which brings up another issue. I think too damn much. Sometimes about the stupidest shit that doesn't even matter. That's why I'm an insomniac. My body is ready to sleep but the wheels in my head don't stop turning. It's rather annoying. I've been trying some Tylenol PM for sleep, but it doesn't really do anything. That and I took some really late last night, like 4 am(guess that's morning to most people), it was my second dose in 6 hours or so, and I swear I did this thing where I was drifting in and out of sleep and hallucinating. I felt like I was awake and dreaming at the same time, and I couldn't move or wake up to make it stop. I was really frightened and the only thing that snapped me out of it was someone sending me a text message at like 7 am. It really freaked me out and now I'm kind of afraid it was because of the medicine and I don't want to take it anymore. I know, I know...it's just Tylenol, but it was still weird.

Well, whoever you are reading this....if you actually made it this far....I'm sorry I just wasted a half hour of your day. LOL!!!

For the record...

I lost a pound at weigh in yesterday. Down 44, 28 to go!

Who needs sleep? Well, you're never going to get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for?

Today is a dragging ass day.

I haven't slept more than a few hours for the last two weeks. I'm really feeling for Heath Ledger at this point. I can see how easy a lack of sleep and schedule could drive you bonkers.

So I tried staying awake all day and not taking afternoon naps with the baby, and well then I'd fall asleep around midnight and wake up at 4 am and then be tired and dragging all day. I have no energy. I can't get anything done. It's been weeks like this. I feel really really depressed. I know part of this is that I'm anemic. So tonight I'm buying an iron supplement. I'm also buying a short term sleep aid. I don't like taking pills because I have a bad liver, but I'm desperate. I have exams coming up in the next few weeks and I need to bring my A game.

I feel like shit. Like my life is just spiraling downward and I can't make it stop. I need to sleep. I need it more than most people I think. I turn in to a crazy "Britney Spears" baffoon when I don't get sleep. Wandering around my house speaking in a british accent and considering shaving my head. Okay, not really, but still. Lack of sleep definitely brings out my bad side.

My mom asked me today "What kind of person lays in a dark room and doesn't fall asleep?".......ME! I can be so tired I can't stand and I swear to God as soon as my head hits that pillow something happens to my body that doesn't let me fall asleep. I just lay in bed tossing and turning and being annoyed by every sound, or light, or car driving by, or the hum of the baby moniter, or Dan's snoring, or the temperature of the room, or the cat laying on me, or my grocery list, or my bills, or whatever.....

Well, I'm smart enough to see that it's time I get serious about this. I'm going to try a few things on my own, but if I don't get a good nights sleep in the next few days, I'm going to see a doctor. I'm too organized and efficient of a person to live my life in a tiresome haze.

This is the most incoherent crazy blog ever. Enjoy!

I'm a loser baby!

Today was whatever!

I lost 3 lbs at my weigh in. Which would be nice if I wasn't bouncing up and down in weight and really had a legitimate loss that was below anything I've weighed before in the course of WW (Did you get that??). So that's 43 pounds lost and 29 to go. Why are you plaguing me you last 30 pounds!!!! Go away!!!! Get off my body!! You make me look disgusting.

I really am tired of being fat. I want to be thin enough that I never hear anybody refer to me as a "big girl" or "thick" or any such term that refers to my weight being more than it should. I want stupid asses, like Sarah's boyfriend, to have to think of something more creative to make fun of me for than my gut or my fat ass. They'll have to start making fun of me being a fucking bitch or being crazy instead, which I take as compliments. I want to look good in my clothes and not feel like I'm forcing my fat ass into a pair of jeans. I don't want to worry about if the shirt I have on makes me look pregnant. I'm sure no matter what I'll never be happy with my body. But I'd at least like to reach my goal weight and know that my body is at least okay. And I hope my boobs don't look weird. Or my stomach. I hope the boobs don't end up saggy and ugly and that my stomach gets smaller and doesn't just end up looking like a mud flap. We shall see.....if my lazy ass ever gets to that point. I might. I just might. I've been insulted by enough people this week to light a small fire under my ass. Hopefully that will give me the drive I need to succeed.

Here's a lovely picture my husband took of me at Christmas. One of those ones that makes you say...."Dear god I'm a hot nasty mess". This can be one of my "BEFORE" pics.


And if I ever make it back to a normal weight, maybe something like this could by my "AFTER" pic.


Alright, enough about feminine body issues. Have a great day! And feel good about yourself. I'm a negative creep!!!

You got a run in your panty hose, even your daddy knows, that you sucking down chocolate like Daddy-O's.

Today is the greatest day I've ever known.

I've been depressed lately. I'm not sad or anything. I have just felt drained and I haven't had any energy. I've had racing thoughts. I'm having trouble sleeping. Nothing too serious. I just really need to get on a schedule. School and friends and late night nothingness is messing up my sleep schedule. Plus, I'm anemic and I probably need to get back on an iron supplement.

I'm freaking out a little bit about school. I quit my job Friday because I don't feel like trying to juggle school, taking care of the baby and managing my home. Like I said before, I know lots of people that are perfectly capable of doing all that at once. I don't want to though. Especially not this semester. Accounting is not an easy major. It's not brain science or anything, but it is a lot of work. It's not for dumb people. It's not something everyone can do. I have two huge exams at the end of my degree. My CPA exam and my CMA exam. I'm worried about both. I'll be taking them in the next year or so. I should probably buy study manuals now so that I feel ready to take them. Knowing me though, I'll probably wait till the last minute and be freaking out because I don't feel ready.

Leonardo is getting so big. I can't believe his ass isn't walking yet though. He can climb all of our steps, he can get up on top of all the furniture, he can stand by himself.....but yeah, he can't walk. LOL!!! I'm not all that worried about it. I just get annoyed because people ask about it all the time. I know for a fact uninformed people believe that walking is a sign of intelligence. I've read several articles and books on the matter. The age a baby walks has nothing at all, not one thing, to do with how intelligent they are. The age a baby walks is determined by what age babies in their family start walking. It is also determined by the physical build of the child. Babies with thick short legs will walk before babies with skinny long legs. Also, some babies are just more daring than others. They are more willing to risk falling than others. Some babies won't walk until they feel completely safe doing so. They also say that babies who are coached too much by their parents to do things will sometimes refuse just because they are stubborn. I'm sure Leonardo is a mix of all of that. The general age that babies are expected to walk is 16 months. If he's still not walking at that point the doctors will make sure he isn't avoiding it because of emotional issues, but even then it's not something of concern for them. They just want to make sure he's healthy.

I can't wait to get my new iPod and accessories. I've been working diligently on my music collection. I've been ripping CD's and writing down songs that come to mind to download. I downloaded some audio books for the long trip to school. One of them being "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows". I want to read it so all the Harry Potter nerds don't ruin the movie for me this time around, you assholes! I figured out how to convert movies into MPEG-4's so that they can be put on my iPod and I don't have to pay for iTunes videos. If I put half this energy into my school work I'd be a fucking genius. LOL!!!

I've been thinking that I really want to keep my blog entries on here forever. I wonder how long before the blogger is deleted or something. I wonder how long before the internet is obsolete. Surely something bigger and better is on it's way. That's the way it works. I wonder if they'll send everyone an email telling us if they're planning to delete the blogger. Who knows? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Well, I can't think of much else to say so here's the "Secret of the Week" from Postsecret.com. I picked this one because it made me laugh out loud. Also, I thought it was a good way of dealing with my mother when she starts going off on me acting like a know it all. LOL!!!


That's all for today. Sorry today's blog was a rant. I just kept typing because I had nothing better to do at 3:00 am.

Nothing

Today is a day of nothing.

I weighed in yesterday and gained 2 pounds. I'm tired of this bouncing up and down deal. It's a waste of my time and money. I need to buckle down and be serious. I'm surprised I didn't lose though. I was so stressed out and busy all week that I barely ate anything.

The first week of class is over. This semester is going to be so hard. The hardest in my college career. I know that for a fact. For one thing I'm taking Corporate Accounting which is the hardest class of my major. Students often end up switching majors after they take it because they can't hack it. I'm also taking Intro to Accounting Sytems, College Writing and Operations Management. So I have quite the work load ahead for me this semester. I don't think I'll be able to work at all this semester. I'm sure some people could, but I know it will be too hard for me. I hope I do well.

I bought an iPod Nano a few days ago. I really like it. It plays music videos, movies and tv shows. And they look great. I bought an 8GB one so I have lots of room. It holds all my music from my computer and all my 70 billion cd's. And there's still room to spare. I also put all my pictures on it from my computer. I have 2002 of them. And they barely took up space.

Anyways, long story but I bought it at Walmart. I wanted a red or pink one but they said they didn't make them. I looked around on the Apple website and they do have a special edition red one that is only sold on the website. It was the same price as the one I bought, it had free shipping, and also included free engraving. So I ordered one with my name on it and I'm going to take the one I bought back to Walmart. Screw them. I want a red one with my name on it. Since all the songs, pics and videos are kept on a program on my computer it won't be a big deal at all to switch them out. I also wasn't impressed with the off brand FM transmitter that I bought to play the iPod in my car. So I'm returning that too and I already ordered an Iroad off ebay. I read a lot of reviews of FM transmitters and it appears that none of them work that great. But an Iroad is supposed to work way better than any other ones. I ordered a few covers on ebay too. They were way cheaper than in the store. For instance I bought a pink silicone cover for $1 on ebay. It's brand new and that $1 price tag includes shipping and everything. They were selling the exact same one at Walmart for $10. I also bought a couple hard plastic covers for $5 a piece. I can't wait to get all my stuff. Mail time is so fun when I've been shopping on Ebay.


I guess that's all for today. Enjoy!

Always Drama! Always!

Today hasn't really started yet.

I haven't slept well for days because of being sick. So last night was the first long sleep I've had in ages. I find that the more I sleep the more groggy I am all day though. Oh well. I still love sleeping. I really do. Nothing makes me happier than curling up for my afternoon nap or wrestling around in a warm bed for half the day because I'm too lazy to get up. Now I have to do it on the baby's schedule, which doesn't usually work out in my favor.

School starts tomorrow. I have class Monday through Thursday evening. One of my accounting professors this semester sent me an email saying that her class would be the hardest for accounting majors and that it was a lot of work. That's great! KSU's bursar's office hasn't issued the refund checks yet for my books. So I'm pissed about that. I don't know how other people shell out $500 for books, but I surely can't. So now I'll be getting them at the last minute and I probably won't even be able to buy some of them online like I usually do.

I guess since this is the most boring blog ever I'll skip to the "Secret of the Week" from Postsecret.com. I picked this one because I always think about stuff like that. For instance, if I look off of a really high balcony I wonder if I spit out my gum and it hit somebody would they be hurt. Or sometimes I see a bus going slow and I wonder if it would still kill you if it hit you at that pace. I'm not suicidal. I just think about shit too much. And weird shit at that.


Nothing more to bore you with today, so bye!

Weigh In

Today was weigh in.

I lost 2.6, giving me a total of 41.4 pounds lost. Only 31 pounds to go.

I want to rock and roll all night. And party everyday.

Today is a quiet day around the house.

I went to my hubby's holiday work party. They are some late ass people I guess. Anyways, it was a blast. I love hanging out with the guys from Dan's work and their wives. Everybody is so nice and fun loving. I can get drunk and act like an ass and feel like I'm around friends. I don't feel that way around a lot of people.

Speaking of getting drunk and acting like an ass.....I always think I act like a retard when I'm drunk. I always wait for my friends or Dan to tell me the next day about something rediculous I did when I was drunk. Nobody really does. They all just keep getting drunk with me. I think I need to be put on a leash and they just keep buying me drinks. What the hell you guys?? LOL! I guess maybe I should quit being so hard on myself. Everybody is a drunken ass. I think I'm fun to be around. I'm entertaining. Like last night Dan told me he loves the way I act when I'm drunk. He said it turns him on to see me all outgoing and working the crowd. I get all the ladies dancing. I tell jokes to all the guys. He said he thinks he's making people jealous that they can't have me. LOL!!! Sounds like something a hubby would say. But it was really nice to hear. I always worry that I was too "out there" at parties. But hell, I'm like that anyways so what difference does it make.

I AM ME, that's all I can be. If you don't like it you walk it out. And you ain't hood if you don't know what I'm talking about. LOL!!!(*Random rap song lyrics)

Now for my secret of the week from Postsecret.com. Or well the 'secrets' of the week. It was a good week this week. Lots of juicy secrets. So I had to pick two. The first I picked because it was crazy. I'm sure glad my husband didn't send this one in. LOL!!


And I picked this one because it was nasty and all I could think was that I'm never shaking a person's hand again for the rest of my life. Yuck!


Well, that's all. I don't have very many readers anymore I don't think. Misty and Nikki are like the only ones who ever comment. So this one's for you girl's!!!! My faithful readers. And all you others out there who are possibly just reading and not commenting.....Comment fool! I like to know I'm actually writing these blogs for someone.

Hi ho, Hi ho...it's back to WW I go!!!

Today was a new beginning.

I attended my WW meeting and weighed in. I haven't been there for a month. The two months before that I was bouncing up and down and not really doing much anyway. So I took a little vacation.

Anyways, I weighed in at 179.4. That is 6.2 above my very lowest weight in WW yet of 173.2. So believe it or not I was happy. I was expecting so much worse. I mean, yeah that's bad. But really, I've lost that much in a week once or twice before. So it won't be hard to recover.

I was also pleased that I didn't go over 180. Getting below 180 was a really important milestone for me in my weight loss. That meant I was more in my normal range of weight. Before my pregnancy my highest weight was 183. So to get back below 180 meant I would fit in my usual clothes and look a little more like myself.

I still have quite a ways to go now. I'm 38 pounds down and I have 34 pounds to go. Wish me luck. I know I can do it if I keep working hard. I've come a long way already and I'm not going back.

I guess that's all. I blogged because it really helps me hold my self accountable when I have to blog to you guys about how I'm doing in WW. I mean, who wants to tell everyone what a failure they are?? So guys, help hold me to it. Nobody is doing the program with me anymore so I need some motivation. Remind me every week if I haven't announced my weigh in. I would really appreciate that. And anyone wanting to join with me please do. I could use a partner. People who have partners are more successful than those who go it alone. It's a statistic. My meeting day is not set in stone, so I would be flexible to your schedule. Just let me know. :)

Who's getting ducking frunk on New Year's?? ME!!!!

Today is a day of unproductivity.

I have so much to get done around my house. And I'm doing none of it. I have at least 2 months worth of laundry. I have a pile of dishes that's been sitting on the counter since......I'm embarrassed to say. All because I am just lazy.

Now, to the subject of the New Year. I don't make resolutions because resolutions are made to be broken. But I am trying to make a fresh start. That's what the new year is for, right?? I'm going to jump back on the WW bandwagon full force. I never really quit. It was more like a WW vacation. :) So I need to get back on that.

I'd like to get my finances in order. Tax time should help with that. I'll need to find another job though, because Macy's is closing down and I only had a seasonal position.

I'd like to limit my drinking. But that has sort of happened on its own. I haven't drank since the night at the hypnotist. Nor have I felt like it. I just had to get the party girl out of my system. She comes around every now and again to haunt me. I never smoke now. That was a fleeting thing.

I want to keep doing well in school. I have been putting a lot of effort into it and seeing good results. This semester coming up is going to be one of my hardest by far. I am sure of it. I'll be taking 2 of the 4 classes that will either make or break me in my major. I am confident that I will be just fine. There really isn't anything in this world I can't be taught. Some things take a little more time and effort, but I'm very intelligible.

I want to pay more attention to my dog. That's dumb, but I've been feeling like I neglect him. I'm always with the baby and the cat. It's like he just lives in our house and we don't notice him. It's kind of his own fault though. I mean, the cat and the baby don't leave me alone. They are always following me around and crawling all over me(yes, both of them). The dog always just hides somewhere and sleeps.

I want to spend more time with my son. I feel like I don't spend enough time reading to him or playing games with him. I need to start teaching him stuff. I mean, I do, but I'd like to do more of that.

I want to start going to church again. I've had an alarm set on my phone for the last few months that goes off to remind me to go to church on Sunday. I still have yet to go. I need to figure out times for mass. I definitely feel most comfortable in a Catholic church. Catholics don't have the best reputation, but I like their ceremony the best. That and those at black Baptist churches, but we won't go there. I'd like to introduce Leonardo to all different kinds of religion. That way he's well rounded and can make a good decision about what he believes. After all you can't know your own views until you know all those opposing them.

I want to be nicer to Dan. He's definitely my punching bag. When I've had a bad day or a bad round of Guitar Hero, he gets the brunt of it. That and I'm sure our sex life has been less than satisfactory to him since the birth of the baby. I feel like he just takes my crap and comes back smiling and ready for more. He says he likes it. He's crazier than me I think. He works so hard and he's always here for us. He's an outstanding husband and father. I am the luckiest wife in the world. I hope he is always by my side. He doesn't care if I cook or clean. He doesn't care if I'm chubby looking or I don't wear make-up or decent clothes every day. No relationship or person is perfect. Our marriage and Dan is no exception. But I think I have it pretty well and I should count my blessings and quit being so mean to him all the time. I don't beat him or anything. I just get crabby and annoyed at him pretty easily some days.

Hmmmmm...what else? I want to spend more time with my friends, especially Erin. We should schedule a board game and cocktail night here really soon.

Okay, I could type this blog all day. So I'll just end it with The Secret of the Week from Postsecret.com I chose this one because it fits the blog appropriately.


This one gets an honorable mention because it's some funny shit.


Well, that's all folks.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Today was an uplifting day full of joy, love and thanks.

I spent time with most of my favorite people in the world. I wish I could have seen Sandy, Carthel and Jada. That would have made the day perfect. Days like this make me realize how much I love my family. I might not know my real parents but, between foster parents, in-laws and friends, I have all the love any person could ask for. I am so truly blessed.

We really didn't buy Leonardo anything. We figured since he's so little and has no idea what's going on that we would skip the whole "put up a tree" and "spend shit loads of money" routine this year. We have many years of that to come. We might as well spare ourselves. However, just like I knew would happen he still made out like a bandit. Between the $100 his great grandma gave him and all the toys and clothes he got from his aunts, uncles and grandparents he was spoiled rotten. I spent a good while re-arranging his playroom to fit all the new toys. Here's some pics. Take special care to notice his 4 "rides". It's like he's on MTV Baby Cribs or something. LOL!!





Dan and I got lots of presents as well. We both got $100 each from his grandmother and $50 bucks each from his parents. My family is too poor for such things. LOL!! But my mom in Alliance did send our whole family a $50 Visa gift card. My parents and grandma in Massillon got us an Entertainment book(one of those giant coupon books for restaurants and movies and shit, I love them, they save you a butt load), a portable swivel sweeper broom thingy, a giant soft fluffy browns blanket and a candle.

Dan and I actually managed to scrape up enough to shop for each other this year. We haven't bought for each other for about the last 25 holidays. I got him two fitted baseball caps from the mall, a new pair of slippers and "The Simpsons Movie".

He got me a new red leather purse, a pair of 14k gold earrings, a big comfy OSU sweatshirt, a cute stretchy red t-shirt, a giant bottle of 80 proof vodka, a bottle of Aftershock(liquor), and "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix" on DVD.

I really love presents but I feel bad that we didn't really spend that much on anyone. Mostly because they all told us they wouldn't be spending anything on us. My parents all said they'd be broke and were skipping gifts. Same with Dan's parents. Butt holes!!! I hate it when they do that. But it was still nice of them to think of us. I definitely feel spoiled.

And as usual these days I'm late...but here's the "Secret of the Week" from Postsecret.com I chose it because good god damn.....she is a ho, ho, ho. LOL!!!!


So what did you all get for Christmas?? Do tell. I love hearing what people get for Christmas. Tell me what you did to. Also, if you are interested I finally uploaded all the videos from the night Dan got hypnotized. If you'd like to watch them they are at this site they are each funny in their own right. We should have just shot them all as one but we didn't really think about it at the time.
To witness Dan's crazy night, click here!

I guess that's all for this evening. I hope you all had a good day.

Set me free why don't you baby, get out my life why don't you baby. Cause you don't really want me, you just keep me hanging on!

Today was pretty different.

I agreed to sing Christmas carols at the VA hospital in Akron. It was lots of elderly veterans. It made me feel good to do something like that. But still, it was weird and I think I officially hate Christmas music now that I had to sing like 15 songs by myself in front of a bunch of people. It was different though. And you guys know me....I'm all about different.

I had a fun weekend. I went out with Amanda and the hubby on Friday. We went to see a comedic hypnotist. I wasn't sure if I believed in that stuff or not. The guy called for volunteers to come up and be hypnotized. Dan and I both went up. The hypnotist was super sexy and had a really deep entrancing voice. So I hung on to every word he said, really trying to go under. Well, it didn't work for me. I felt myself getting really relaxed and tired when he was talking but I didn't go completely under. It did however work wonderfully well for my hubby. The hypnotist ended up kicking several people off stage because it didn't work for them. But there was like 6 people, including my hubby, who were completely gone. This guy had them humping chairs and pretending they were kittens and goats. It was so funny. And we got it all on video.

I am truly a believer in hypnosis now. Mainly because there is no way in hell Dan would have done any of that shit if he wasn't. Also because the whole show nobody on stage so much as cracked a smile. Even I couldn't pull that one off. If I was humping chairs in front of a group of laughing people there would be no way I'd keep a straight face. It was truly remarkable and hilarious at the same time.

We finished off the night with Heather and DJ. And by finished off the night, I mean finished off the liquor and any sense of composure I had left in me. It was fun. I like hanging out with them. Even if DJ thinks I'm a raging butch dyke who's trying to make love to his wife. Could it be my fondness of breasts? or the fact that I talk about lesbian porn each and every time I get wasted?? I guess there are worse things people could think about you. But still, I love the penis. I really do. I'm just overtly sexual. Especially when I've had a little too much to drink. Or well...alotta too much to drink. It just so happens that women are so much prettier than men. What can I say? But that's still not stopping me from serving myself up a hot tube steak smothered in underwear on the daily. LMFAO!!!(*Did you vomit in your mouth a little?)

Anyways, I'm kind of sort of on time but here's the secret of the week from Postsecret.

This surely isn't the most exciting one I've ever picked. It's hard trying to be so perfect in school. I've had arguments with a lot of my fellow students about how important it really is to do well in school. I think you should try to absorb all the knowledge you can. I would rather absorb 90% or higher in my classes. Rather than the 70% you could get by with. But really and truly who gives a fuck.

This is a crazy random blog. It's filled with profanity and ridiculousness. You better go take a shower.

I don't to be your good time! I don't want to be your ballbat crutch anymore.

Today was like any other.

I got a job at Macy's. Nothing special. Just a part time sales position. Something to help us rake in a little extra cash for a while. They told me I was "grossly overqualified" for the position. I told them that was fine. I'm a full time student and a mother of a 13 month old child. I'm not ready for a 9-5 management position. I'm really not.

I took one of my finals today. I take two more tomorrow. I will be so glad when this semester is finally over. I don't start Spring classes until January 18th. So I have some time. I'm not looking forward to driving to Kent next semester. I better start saving up gas money now so that I don't go broke. LOL!!

So I decided to enter the amateur stand up comedy contest. I have to do it. Just to see if I have what it takes. If I don't, at least I'll know I tried my best and that it wasn't for me. If I'm good....well, I didn't get that far yet. But who knows, maybe one day I'll have my own sitcom "Everybody Loves Aleta". LOL!!!

I was a little disappointed at my friends who didn't reply to my last blog. I was really looking for some good sketch ideas. That and a little encouragement. I did talk to some of you in person though. And of course Erin's computer wasn't letting her leave comments to my blog. But still guys....if you have any ideas let me know. I'm not sure how long my act needs to be. That and if I make it to the next round, I'll need a whole new act.

And now...it's really really late but, here's the secret of the week from Postsecret.

I chose this one because it was really sad. When I was younger I used to be scared that because my mother abused me as a child, that I might grow up to one day abuse my own children. Well, so far so good. I would never inflict pain upon my child. I love him so much. That's not to say I won't want to bitch slap him one day for talking back to me when he's a teenager. Even then, I really can't see myself putting my hands on my child.
You know, I always though that when I had a child of my own, I would understand what it was like for my mother. That I might be able to see why she abused us, let her boyfriends do all those bad things to us, and then gave us up and didn't even want visits with us. But you know what.....I am more confused than ever. I love my child and I wouldn't give him up for the world. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with her being mentally ill. Even still, I have no understanding for the things she put us through.

Okay...enough with the depressing shit.

I bedazzled my phone with Swarovski crystals. I did it to another phone I had back in the day and it turned out so well, I figured I'd do it again for this one. I only did the face plate that's on the front of the phone. It turned out well and didn't take too much time or money. I like it. The picture really doesn't do it justice. It's super sparkly, but in the picture you can't tell.


I'm going to the comedy club again on Friday with my girls. I love that place. There's nothing better than drinking a few too many and laughing your ass off.

Nothing more to say, Bye you all!

WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU!!!

Today will end up being a tiresome day.

So last night I went out with my girls: Amanda P, Amanda D, Sarah, Erin. Also Amanda's husband went and this guy Josh who didn't really come with any of us. He just wanted a ride up there to see the show. I had a blast! I thought the comics did a really good job. Also I had my friends there to keep me entertained.

So guys, I've said this before to some of you and I want you're opinion on the matter. It's been a dream of mine to do stand up comedy. Whenever I go see comics perform, or watch them on TV, I'm always sitting there thinking to myself how fun it would be to do that. I sit there thinking of good material to use and crap like that. Then after shows I always end up having the same conversations with the comics like "How'd you get started?" and stuff.

Well, they have amateur night on Tuesdays at the Funny Stop and I'm so tempted to just effin do it. But maybe I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. So here's my question to all of you....
1. Do you think I could do it?
2. If yes, then can you think of any conversations or moments we've shared where I was really funny so I can try to write material from that.

Now be honest people. If you really feel that my brand of humor is something better left amongst my forgiving friends then tell me. I'd rather not make an ass of myself. Although really, it's just amateur night. What's the worst that could happen? People don't laugh? Well, I'm sure I could deal with that. And yeah, I could use material so give me some ideas people.

I am so gay!!!

She moves her body like a psycho!!!!

Today was a weary day.

That's because I didn't sleep well. I had a big dramatic night, watching a grown man attack another man like he was some kind of a mental patient. Since its somebody else's business, I won't mention names. All I know is.....I really hope that one of the people involved, the one I care about will see through this guy's bullshit and kick him to the curb. He's immature, unstable, dishonest, spiteful and angry.

I got my Marketing project back. You know, the one on Bayer Aspirin. I got an A. I was so excited. The few people who told me their grades all got B's and C's. So I feel like I pulled it off well. I'm glad my ridiculous procrastination didn't hurt me.

I've been getting back into doing my crafts again. I made some onesies for my friend Misty's new baby and I made Leonardo a new shirt. I forgot to take pics of the ones I made for Misty but I though they turned out well. Here's the one I made for Leonardo.


I'm going to the comedy club on Friday with some friends. I really like it there. I always get a few good laughs in. You know, I often dream of becoming a stand up comedian. I think it would be a really fun job. I'm sure it doesn't pay well. I think of how I can really get my friends going sometimes and how much I like that. I think I might be good at stand up. Maybe not though. LOL!!!

Well, I guess that's all I have for today.

If you type it, they will come.

Today was a very very good day!

I am not depressed. Not even a little. I'm feeling quite positive and productive. I'm getting my house back to normal. I've got big Christmas plans and ideas. I just feel good.

This is a little late but here's the secret of the week from Postsecret. I picked this one because I would be the type of person to think something like this. I caught myself yesterday trying to reason with myself that I should be thankful for the way I look because at least I'm not horribly disfigured or something.


I got my new purse from Nikki. It's so cute. She did a really good job. I love the color and the lining on the inside is magnificent. I just love it. Here's a few pics.



This is my last week of classes. I have two final exams next week and then I'm officially done(*me breathing a sigh of relief!).

I didn't weigh in for WW last week because I had to give a presentation the day of my weigh in and I didn't have time to be changing my clothes and all that jazz. So I went in and dropped off my "No Weigh In Pass". I know I gained though. So hopefully I lost this week. It's not looking like it. I want to start doing good. I'm relieved that I'm keeping the weight off but I want that dedication back that I had in the beginning. It's been so hard though, with all the stress of school and the holidays, to even want to try. I know myself though, and I'll never give up. One of the cards on my inspiration board says "As Long As It Takes" and that's exactly how long I'll do this. Hopefully it won't take 5 years though. LOL!!!

Well, I guess that's all I have for today.

I thought you were special, I thought you should know.

Today was a waste of 24 hours.

I haven't been up to much lately. I've been busy with school. Only one week left and then exams. And then I'm done...till January.

I've been drinking more than I like to. I drank twice this week. I was trying to keep it at once. I feel like I need to knock it off before I'm a crazy alcoholic. But like other things in my life...I like to imagine problems that aren't there. I just know it's against my belief system. Drinking on a regular basis is not okay. It's not even good for me. Worse for me than other people I think.

But anyway, I went out with my friends Tanae, Amanda P. and Amanda D. while Dan was off to the titty bar with a friend. We went to the comedy club. It was a really funny show. The best one I've seen in a while. Then I went to a bar with Tanae and we met up with an old friend from highschool:Shannon. Then after that I went over to Sarah's man's house to play Guitar Hero and drink more. I was wasted. Sarah more than I. She puked half the night. It was still a good time like always though. It was a good night, the only bad thing is I felt guilty for drinking.

Misty might be having her baby right as I type this. She was supposed to be induced today. I'm waiting for a text or something.

Well, I guess I don't have much to say. I just wanted to blog so people wouldn't think I died.

Nobody blogs anymore!!!

Today was a relieving day.

I am relieved because my huge Marketing project is done and over with. I kept putting it off and putting it off. I didn't finish it till 6:03pm today and it was due at 6:55pm. So yeah....I got some sort of a record on that one. I think I did a really good job. I wasn't rushed or anything. I took my time and did it right. Now I have my business project due tomorrow. It's not as hard and I think I can get that done in a few hours tonight, when I feel like it. I'll be glad when the semester is over.

I want to go out Thursday and celebrate the end of a shitty week. That's a sign you drink too much. When you start making up shit to celebrate. Like ooooh....I got paid. Or lets go celebrate my time of the month. But whatever. I'm responsible. LOL!!!

So who all wants to go with me and Sarah on Thursday?? We're going to the comedy club. Show starts at 8:30. I should have enough free tickets and we're all drinking up ahead of time. Come one come all and view the spectacle that is....drunken Aleta. LOL! Just kidding. But seriously come you guys!

I'm surrounded by drama. Drama everywhere I turn. I doubt not that I'm the catalyst for some of it. Not always though. Sometimes I guess I'm just attracted to really dramatic people. It gets exhausting.

And now...a little late but now for the secret of the week from Postsecret

I picked this one because when I read it, I almost said out loud "Yes, yes you are!" That is gross.

I guess that's all for today. I'm starting little baby Sophia's shirts tonight. I have some cute ideas. I need to get back into my stenciling. I have a lot of projects to do.

Almost forgot.

I weighed in today and went to my WW meeting since they'll be closed tomorrow.

I lost 4 lbs. I finally hit my next 5 lb loss. It's taken me since September. All this up and down and lack of dedication has led to a slow down. But I'm proud that I'm sticking to this and that I've kept the weight off and am continuing to make progress.

45 POUNDS DOWN, 27 POUNDS TO GO!

Don't forget to read the post below, since I did two of them just now.

GOD WHY???!!!!!!!!

Today was a day full of worry and regret.

Over what you say?? Over my stupid marketing mix project that is due on Monday. That's only 5 days away people!! And I only just sat down to do it tonight. It's an 8page single spaced paper. I'm sure most of you have done only double spaced papers(this is my first single spaced), so this would be 16 pages! And to make matters worse the professor assigned me the most boring and hard to research topic ever: Bayer Aspirin. Like what the hell? I can't think of one page worth of shit to write about Aspirin, let alone 8. I've never even taken the shit. Although, I'm sure I'll have to after the first couple pages of the project. LOL!!! Maybe I should just shoot myself now and get it over with.

I did start on it tonight. I have about a page done. Its a really hard topic to do research on. Not much is published about Aspirin. Or at least nothing truly of use to me. I'm supposed to analyze the marketing mix of the product(product, place, promotion, and price) as well as a SWOT analysis(strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats)on all four sections. I can think of a hundred products I would have rather had. Like Trojan Condoms, or Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, or Coach purses, or fucking anything really.

To add insult to injury, I have another project due the day after this one in my Business class. But that one is only 2 pages long and it's on "The Wheel of Retail". I got to pick my topic for that one and I can spit out two pages on that topic without even using a source. So that won't be the least bit hard. I do have to come up with a 5 minute presentation to go along with it though. It has to have PowerPoint and all that good shit. I still don't see it as a challenge though.

No.....just Bayer fucking Aspirin on my mind for the next five days!!!

Funny Stuff!!!

Ha...watch this. It's good for a chuckle or two.

Click here!

Long time no see!!!!

Today is the greatest day I've ever known!!!! (*not really!)

I had an exam today. An exam that I barely studied for. I pray for a B. Please dear God give me a lousy B. Okay, enough of that.

So I went out with Sarah last night for a few drinks and some karaoke. We always have a good time together. Even in a hole in the wall bar with 5 people including us in it. I killed some Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know". I'm telling you, in another world I could have been a true performer of sorts. I just love it way too much.

Something weird happened there though. Amanda Blosfield was was there. For those of you who know what happened between us you'll take interest in this. If you don't know....well you aren't going to have any idea what I'm talking about. I anticipated running into her for quite sometime now. We share common friends now that Sarah is dating Mike. I always expected if I ever saw her anywhere she'd cut to the nearest exit. I was wrong. She stayed. I figured we'd be silent and not talk. Just keep stealing glances at each other when we think nobody is looking. Well, we did that for a little while. Then she comes up to me with a bunch of songs written on a piece of paper that I was guessing she wanted me to sing. She didn't say a word to me, just handed the paper to me and walked off. Peace offering?? That's what I thought. Who knows, it might have been. But she's a fucked up crazy bitch so who knows. Anyway, I eventually worked up the nerve to talk to her. The conversation was really odd. Basically her telling me how bad I hurt her and what a whore I am. She definitely has her own side of what happened. Me being an evil nasty villain in the story. She's always been a dramatic judgemental person. So I would expect nothing less from her. However, I know what happened too. And she can play the "woe is me" victim in the story. But that's not at all how it was. It was just weird. Very very weird.

I know she loved me though and I loved her. I could tell she just felt betrayed. It's happened to her a lot. But there was betrayal on her part as well. What happened between us was weird and "Springer" like. But the situation was so unlike anything I've ever been involved in or would ever be involved in again. I miss her so much, but that ship has sailed. Sailed and sunk into a deep dark abyss never to be found again. I just wish she'd realize I didn't lie to her because I hated her. I lied because I loved her and I didn't want to hurt her. The whole situation turned me into a filthy liar for the span of about a year to her, Dan, family, friends and anyone I felt I needed not to know the truth. I'm so glad that's all over. I know Amanda forgives me. She's a fucking cunt....but I know she forgives me.

Guess that's all I have for today.

Try not to suck any dick on the way out to your car!!!

Today was an unproductive day.

I really didn't get anything done that I was supposed to. Which doesn't surprise me.

They didn't post any new secrets on Postsecret today. So I suppose I'll just post a couple other ones I liked from back in the day. I like this one...because of course I'm well endowed, and I too like the the power that having large breasts has over a lot of men. LOL!!


I'm not sure if I've posted this one before or not, but it tugged at my heart strings a bit.


I liked this one, because I sort of feel this way about Myspace.


And since I'm in a photo upload mood, here's a tshirt I found on eBay the other day that I wanted really bad. Man...I loved that show. I'm going to buy seasons of it on DVD one day. That and "My So Called Life".


I guess that's all for tonight. I'm going out for a bit with Sarah to sing karaoke at the village. Yes ladies, you guessed it....I will have to pay up. But I love the fact that he hasn't said a single word of complaint or protest about me going out. That's refreshing. And he said I don't have to pay up till I get home, so maybe a few drinks will take the edge off of the excruciating pain I will have to endure. LMFAO!!!! Bye all!!

Yo Quiero Taco Bell!

Today is regular.

I took Leonardo for his 1 year check up at the doctor. I hate his doctor's office. I should look for a new one. For one thing, it always smells like shitty diapers in there. I almost gag every time I walk into the waiting room. On top of that I swear I wait longer and longer every time I go there. I was stuck in a room for over an hour and a half waiting to be seen. You can only amuse a one year old baby for so long in a tiny room while you wait for the doctor.

Leonardo was good. He's still anemic. So the doctor said I have to start giving him iron drops again. She said that if it isn't treated babies can have developmental abnormalities. We wouldn't want that.

Erin came to visit me last night. I hopefully got her hooked on "A Shot At Love" so that way I have someone to discuss the show with. Then today I went to lunch with Heather at El Camps. It was nice to catch up and bitch about the Wingerter men for a little while. I love my friends!

I am so tired today. I've had to skip my afternoon naps with the baby for the last few days and boy does it show. I can barely keep my eyes open to type this blog.

I don't think I'm doing much of anything this weekend. I have a party tomorrow for Dan's cousin and party on Sunday for my niece. I wish I could go out with Sarah on Sunday night and sing karaoke at the bar. But I'm sure my master(Dan) isn't going to let me out of my cage(death grip!!)anytime soon. He's a big meanie!!!

Well, that's all for tonight. I need to study and start on my projects. More than that though, I need to stop talking about needing to do it and just fucking do it already.....Ughhh!!! The life of a procrastinator.

Life is what you make of it.

Today was a good day.

I've began replacing items that were stolen. Mostly because I have no choice but to. I ordered a phone off eBay today. It's the exact one that was stolen. I loved that phone too much to even consider anything else. It was $85(Grrr!). Also, I called Spitzer(where we bought our car) and told them about the key fob getting stolen. We do have a spare but it works like crap. So they agreed to replace the key fob for free. So I didn't have to pay for that. I'm planning on buying the camera again with any Christmas money that I get from relatives. As for the purse, I'm over that. I'm not going to be able to afford a designer bag for a while. Hopefully Nikki will have my purse done soon that she's knitting me and I won't have to be purse-less for too long. I wanted her purse as a winter bag anyway.

I got an A on that Statistics exam I took last week. I was the only one in the class. I really didn't see that one coming. I thought I did really bad. Everyone in the class was pissed that they did bad. Only 2 people got B's. The rest were C's, D's and F's. I was proud of myself. Oddly enough, I was the one asking the most questions during lecture and understanding the material the least. I actually called the teacher to set up an out of class meeting to discuss the material, but I ended up not doing it.

I feel pretty confident that I'm going to finish with an A in two of my classes. One of them I might end up with a B, but hopefully it will also be an A. I've really put a lot more work into this semester than I usually do. At this point, I have a B average for my overall GPA. I want to finish out my college career with an A average.

I gained 3.2 at my weigh in today. I keep going back and forth. It was a really bad week though. Between drinking alcohol(which always makes for a bad week) and being really stressed out about my purse, I really didn't have the motivation to do well this week. I'm sure I'll do good this week though. That seems to be my new trend. As long as I keep it off I'll be satisfied. But of course I want to keep losing.

I guess that's all for today. Blog ya later!

Look for the silver lining, whenever clouds appear in the blue!

Today was a better day.

I'm starting to feel a little better about what happened the other night. No, I still didn't get my shit back or figure anything out but still. I'm starting to realize that this happens to everyone at some point or in some form in their lives. I've heard a lot of people's stories that made me feel grateful. Like my friend Bobbi told me her house has been broken into 3 times. That would suck ass. I had another lady tell me that her purse was stolen and she had to deal with identity theft and constant phonecalls to credit bureaus to try to clear her name. She says now even years later she still has to deal with it. So I suppose I'm lucky.

I also started feeling like I was really materialistic. I kept catching myself praying to get my "stuff" back. It made me feel shallow. Like how about I ask for my family to stay well, or for the war to end, or for tiny little african children with swollen bellies and flies all over them to get some food and fly swatters. I mean, yeah it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. And yes, thank God it wasn't something more serious.

I'm not sure I'll do well at weigh in. I never really do if I've done any drinking that week. So I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

Anybody else love the show "A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila"? I fucking love it. It's raunchy and rediculous. Nothing like any reality show I've seen before. In the words of Amanda from the show "It's like The Real World on crack". That it is Amanda, that it is.

Well, I have no more profound words of wisdom for today. Besides, always look for the positive. Always. Because it's always there no matter what. It's the "Light". Gravitate towards it.

FUCKING THIEF!!!!

Today is a fucking shitty ass day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So last night I went to sing karaoke for a few hours with Sarah downtown at The Village. I lost track of my purse at the end of the evening and some girl stole it. (Yeah...I'm a dumbass!). It had my cell phone, keys and my digital camera in it....plus it was a Coach bag. To add insult to injury all the pictures from Leonardo's first birthday party were on the camera. So that just breaks my heart.

Since the bar has cameras I went there this morning and watched tapes with the owner so we could see what happened. It was plain as day, this girl Jessica walked up, grabbed it and walked out with it. I got her name, address and phone number from some friends. I even went to her house this morning to give her a chance to give it back in exchange for cash and me not taking the matter any further. She just kept denying it in spite of the evidence.

I filed a report a little while ago. The officer said he'd try to get her to co-operate and just give the purse back. I told him I would not press charges if my things were returned. However, if she doesn't co-operate, and I'm figuring she won't, then the officer said I have enough evidence to press charges. Which probably still won't get me anywhere. So this just SUCKS FUCKING ASS!

I was so nice to that girl too. She was a stripper if that says anything about her character. She bought me and Sarah drinks all night and danced with us and acted like a real fucking pal.

I feel like a retard for taking such important shit with me into a bar. On top of that I feel like a retard for letting my purse out of my sight. And further on top of that I didn't sleep all night and I feel like shit and I am physically ill thinking about all the shit I just lost and have to replace and all the shit that can't be replaced. We aren't rich people. I will never have that purse again. I won't be able to afford another camera till at least January it was close to $200. The memory card inside of it was over $50. The cell phone had numbers that have taken me the last 10 years to collect. Plus it was one I really liked that would cost $100 to replace. I will never be able to look at my son eating his first piece of birthday cake. And I lost a tube of lipstick that is a discontinued color and is my very favorite. And my keys are gone. I'll have to get a new Speedy Rewards card. Key fobs for my remote start and locks cost $80 a pop plus you have to pay to have them programmed. I have another one but it doesn't work right.

This sucks so bad it's unreal. That bitch better watch out.

It's a lovely day!

Today is rainy.

Yesterday was Leonardo's birthday party. My house was jam packed. We had a ton of food, but as soon as I said "Have at it", nearly every scrap of food in the house disappeared. I was actually sort of embarrassed about it. I don't know why really. I felt embarrassed that my house was uncomfortable to people because they were wall to wall in it. I felt embarrassed that we ran out of food, as if we weren't good planners. We had no idea so many people would show up.

Leonardo got a ton of presents. Enough clothes to last the winter, lots of toys, some money and even a few packs of diapers. All of our friends and family were really generous. I was happy so many people showed up. Leonardo is really loved and really spoiled. LOL!

I drank a bit last night with some friends that hung around after the party. It was a fun time as always. I really like drinking at home. I stay out of trouble for the most part. And since we ran out of liquor sort of early, I didn't feel too bad today. I still have some energy and I'm in a pretty good mood.

Now for the secret of the week from Postsecret. I picked this one because it made me laugh. And then I started wondering what my "Oh" face looks like. I have a feeling I don't ever really want to know.


And this isn't a secret of the week. It's a funny joke directed at Sarah. She should get a little hoot out of it.


Nothing more to say but goodbye! Blog to you later!

Not much!

Today was a good day.

I'm really only blogging for the sake of WW. I weighed in today and I lost 4.4 pounds. Which I was very happy about. I lost the 4 I put on last week and then some. That's what I like about this plan, you can have a really crappy week and pick yourself up and start new the next week.

44 POUNDS GONE! 28 TO GO!

Leonardo's birthday party is Saturday. I still have almost nothing done.

I'm also freaking out a little because I don't know when I'm going to get my class projects done. I'm going to have one shitty Thanksgiving break. I can tell you that right now.

Well, that's all for tonight. Sorry I couldn't think of much to say.

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby boy!

Today is Leonardo's first birthday!

Yes...it's hard to believe. I won't gush anymore about him than I have already. I sang "Happy Birthday" to him about 50 times today. He would get really excited and clap when I did it. I just love him!

Tomorrow is my new weigh in/meeting time. I'm excited to be going to meetings regularly again. I think this new time will work out well for me because I'm already over in Belden anyway for school. I'm pretty sure I lost. Probably not the 4 I put on...but a loss none the less. I have to try to be good all week because I want to be able to be a hog jaws at Leonardo's birthday party and not feel guilty about it.

I haven't done a single thing for the party. No housecleaning, no shopping, no food...nothing. It shouldn't be too much trouble anyway but still. I'm such a procrastinator.

I can't think of anything else to write about. So I'll talk to you guys later.

Awwww Shucky Ducky!!!!

Today was a day to get shit done.

....and I didn't. LOL!!! I need to study for a big exam I have tomorrow in Statistics. I don't know if I'll do well or not. I'm having issues with the material. I grasp it, but I don't get it, if that makes sense.

Leonardo's birthday is tomorrow. At this time last year I was laying in a hospital bed waiting for baby to come. I went into labor around 1pm on the 6th and gave birth at 12:59am on the 7th. It really didn't seem like 12 hours. It went so fast to me. Probably not to anyone else in the room though.

I remember how magical it was the first time I laid eyes on my baby. He was beautiful. I cried. I was up the whole rest of the night just staring at him. Trying to figure out who he looked like, trying to figure out if I was dreaming. I didn't want to put him down for a second while I was there. I held him in bed with me most of the time I was there because I didn't sleep for the entire 2 days I was in the hospital(it's noisy and weird and people come in and out of the room like every two hours). I was in love, and not like any love I'd ever felt before. This was much greater. I thought my heart might explode.

He's my everything. It's hard to imagine what life was like before I had him and I will never wish to know what it's like again.

I'm excited for the next one. :) (*Please God make it a girl!)

Nothing more this evening. Other than where the hell did all of you go??

I love Leonardo Daniel Wingerter with my whole heart and soul!

Today was better than the last.

Every day is getting better and better. I can't believe the effect alcohol has on me. I find that it usually takes me 4 or 5 days to feel completely myself again after I drink. So then if you take into account drinking every weekend for about 4 weeks, that really took a toll on me. I feel depressed and I have no energy the days following a night of drinking. My therapist said my reaction and depression is not at all uncommon. Neither is the duration in days. She said that's why it's really hard to treat people with depression who drink. It's too hard to tell the difference between the "depressant" effects of the alcohol as apposed to true mental depression. Knowing all of that, I really shouldn't drink. But it's fun sometimes. And just recognizing what it does to me makes it a little easier to handle.

My WW partner quit...not that I should broadcast that. But now I'm worried about what that means for my success. I liked having someone to text me and me them about my weight for the week. I'm going to start weighing in on Thursdays and also attending my meeting then too. Once school started I had to change my normal meeting day of Wed to Saturday morning. Which really isn't a good time. Plus, I still weighed in on Wednesdays because I weigh more on Saturdays. (Seriously, LOL!) So I was going to the WW place twice a week and I was missing my meeting all the time. I haven't done well since that change in schedule. I think the meetings were key to my success. I need to make them a priority. So I'm going to weigh in and do my meetings on Thursday. I hope the leader isn't a weirdo.

Guess that's all for today.

I'm addicted to GAMEBOY!

Today was a quiet day on the home front.

Dan worked for half the day. Then he took a nap. After that he went to a sports bar to watch a football game with his friend. I'm more than happy to let him do what he wants. He deserves to. But at the same time, I spend all day missing him. I wish he just hung around the house with me and the baby. It's okay though. I know if he was around all the time, then I'd be trying to get rid of him.

I went to church today with my mother. It was a Presbyterian church. It was okay. They use some funny wording in their songs and stuff. Considering I'm used to Latin/English in the Catholic church, which is weird in its own right, that means this church's wording was really odd. They used words like "wert". Whatever the hell that is.

Typically I don't feel very emotionally connected to very many things going on in church. Like responsorials or communion. That stuff is weird to me. I am, however, touched by the sermons and the choir singing(as long as they aren't singing weird stuff). I felt close to my Light today. The sermon was about how connected we are in this era of technology but at the same time we are so disconnected from God(the Light). That is very true.

I think I'd like to attend a Catholic church. I don't know why. It's just what I'm used to. I feel more comfortable there. I'm sure I won't have the guts to say that to my mom though. So we'll see what happens.

Now for the secret of the week from Postsecret. There were a lot of good ones this week. I mean A LOT. Nearly every one was something thought provoking or took you back a bit. So it's hard to pick. But here it is

I'm sure after looking at the other secrets posted, you might think I picked a stupid one. And yes, that it is, but it made me vomit in my mouth a little bit. So it deserved some sort of recognition. LOL!

Oh yeah...and I worked things out with my wayward friend. I'm glad. I hate being in turmoil with people I care about. I have really close relationships with some of my friends. Like we talk everyday, see each other often, and tell each other everything. When you are that close you're going to fight. It's how you work it out that really makes you friends. Same holds true for any relationship you are in. They all take work and understanding. You're going to have problems, that's a given.

Well, I think that's all for today.