Turn and face the strange...ch-ch-changes. Time may change me. But I can't change time.

Today was unlike any other.

I hate how I know exactly what I need to do to fix things and yet I do nothing. I suppose most people are that way. I give good advice to people and then I don't take it. I suppose most people are that way too.

I have been having marital problems. I'm not exactly sure why. I just know that I'm not happy. But maybe that's just it, "I'M" not happy. Is it just me not being happy? Or does he have a big part in my unhappiness? Does my weekly binge drinking add to it? Is the fact that my in-law's divorce is forcing me to focus on my own not-so-perfect marriage? Is it my lies? Is it depression? I don't know. I just know I haven't been really happy for a while now.

I feel like our relationship was built on a rocky foundation. There was a lot of lies and lack of real trust for each other. He cheated. I cheated. He lied. I lied. He disrespects me. I disrespect him. Sometimes it's hard to see how we ever got married in the first place.

I'm sure lots of people would say I should divorce him if I'm not happy but I have a lot to consider before I do that. For one thing, I took vows that we would do whatever it took to try to work it out. Of course Dan is completely willing to do anything at this point(but only because I've put the fear of God into him by mentioning that I was thinking of leaving him. He never does anything till he's scared). We have a son together who we both love very much. Dan is a great father and there's no one on this earth I'd rather raise a child with. I sort of think it might be better to separate now while he is young so that he won't know the difference, and so that he doesn't have to bear witness to our incessant fighting and nitpicking of each other.

I worry that a lot of our problems are my fault. I know they aren't ALL my fault but I know I can be really rude and disrespectful to him at times and that I have a lot of emotional issues that he has to deal with all the time. I haven't exactly been the best wife to him the last few years. I've been lying to him about a lot of things. I guess it's like your classic chicken and egg argument. Which came first? The unhappy union? or the bad wife persona?

I mean, I was hopelessly devoted to this man for the first 5 or so years of our relationship. He would dump me. He would cheat. He would lie. He acted ashamed of me. He put anyone and anything ahead of me. Like a fool, I sat around waiting for him to come around. I'd spend whole weekends by myself, cooped up in my apartment while he ran around town with his friends. I'd just sit and wait for him to call in the middle of the night to pick him up. When he'd dump me(which happened more times than I could count), I never went out or dated. I just begged him to come back to me. I sat at home, once again, just waiting for him to call me. Of course we were much younger then. I tried to let it all go. I don't know if I ever really did though. We met as teenagers and I figured he needed to sow his oats or something ridiculous like that. It wasn't until after about 5 years of dating, and a particularly bad break up that I finally started feeling that I should move on. So I started dating while we were broke up and slept with a few guys. I don't know if I ever felt the same about Dan after that. He only started getting serious with me when his brother saw me with another guy while we were broken up and told him about it. He made an "about-face" at that point and wanted to move in with me and everything.

A lot of time has passed since those days. A lot has changed.

I really have no horrible complaints about him besides that I'm just not in love anymore. I feel more like he's my brother. I hate the way that we can't have an intelligent discussion. I hate the way he doesn't care about anything I do, like school or work. I hate that he doesn't push me to be a better person like I push him. I hate that he's not supportive of me. I hate that he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him. I hate it that he's never romantic and never goes out of his way to show that he cares. I hate the way that I'm badgered into having sex every single day, sometimes numerous times a day. If he doesn't get sex he makes me feel guilty about it or gets mad. I really hate sex now. I do it, but only out of what I feel is an obligation to him. He really could care less if I enjoy it or not. He can't even kiss me or cuddle with me without trying to bone me. I hate that he deliberately disrespects me by lying or sneaking behind my back or just intentionally trying to irritate me.

I'm not sure if all those things just define your typical man, or if they describe someone I'm just not happy with. I wonder if 8 years down the road I'd feel the exact same way about someone else I was with. I don't know. I know at this point, I really just wish I had a fresh, clean, honest relationship with someone. I don't know if we can get that back.

He is a decent man though. He works very hard to support me and Leonardo. He's always around when I need him. I know he loves me. I know he loves my son. He's an over all nice guy.

I'm really confused and unhappy. Of course I'm not jumping to any irrational decisions. I need to get us into some therapy. Maybe an impartial judge could shed some light on our situation and help us work through our problems. Or maybe I just made a mistake and picked the wrong guy to marry. I feel like I fought for him for so many years and that it was an empty victory. That maybe I didn't really think about what I was trying to win. I just wanted to win it. Sounds awful, huh? Or maybe this is just the 8 year itch, and since relationships all have ups and downs, this might just be one of the low points we'll have to work through together.