Today is Erin's birthday.
That's really super...which makes me feel really awful that I'm about to write one of those "I hate myself sometimes" kind of blogs. Sorry Erin.
So yeah....I hate how attention seeking I am. My very existence feels as though it is dependant upon who likes me, for what, why, where and how. I'm not beautiful unless someone tells me so. I'm not thin unless other people tell me. I'm not smart unless I get a good grade. I'm not anything unless someone else feels that way about me. Do I exist....or am I a product of everyone else's ideals about me?
I hate what a weirdo I am sometimes. How emotional I am. How I get so upset over retarded stuff that doesn't matter.
I hate how I push people who care about me away. I push them just to see if they'll break. Push them to see if they'll give up on me the way so many other people have. I take my pain out on the people who I know will deal with it and still love me the next day.
I hate how I degrade myself. I hate how I'll do anything to please other people. I'll do anything to be accepted.
This blog is absolute nonsense. Partially because I've been drinking. I'll probably read it tomorrow and be mortified that I even wrote this crap and delete it immediately and pray not too many people read it. I guess this is why I'm in therapy. Because I don't make a fucking lick of sense. Not even a little.
Don't get me wrong. 99.9% of the time I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, a perfect child, caring family and friends, my health, and so much more to be thankful for. Which really and truly makes me feel worse for even feeling sorry for myself for even 2 seconds.
So whatever...I'll stop ranting right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
Yes stop please! You are loved and you know it!! You are a great person and you are really trying and you should be so very proud of yourself! You look great!! Super sexy too!! :) What the hell are you doing up at 7am drinking?? Damn girl! I always miss the fun!!
I went to Sarah's house because we wanted to show each other our costumes in their entirety because I had just gotten my shoes. It somehow turned into a night of drinking shots. I stopped drinking around 2 but you know how that liquid crack is.
I just get depressed sometimes. Alcohol does that to me. I always feel run down and depressed after I lose my buzz. Sometimes it doesn't really seem worth it because I end up wasting the entire day sitting around doing nothing because I'm too tired and bummed out.
hey girl. I hope you are feeling better. Sorry it wasn't a good night. :( I don't really know what else to say than what I already did all morning. We were on the phone for like an hour and a half. lol. If nothing else, you can put the night in the learning experience column??
Yeah, it was surely a learning experience at the least. Maybe one day I'll learn. LOL! It's so fun not to though, right??? LOL! I still had fun. I just need to learn that alcohol makes me depressed and start taking some uppers with it. LOL! Not...but still. Too bad I can't combat those post drinking blues.
Oh good we're doing "I Hate's" I hate it when people pull out infront of me when i'm going 65MPH and I have to slam on my breaks I hate when my ex-husband won't pay his part of a loan and leaves me stuck, I hate that my nipples hurt...but I hate that you get upset after drinking ..is this just the al'cee talking here! Your a great friend, and whats best about you - you'll stick it out and give it your all and not give up on people, friends, school, your family...plus your funny as hell and can entertain a crowd within a split second! However honkin at black guys at midnight on the streets of Akron did not tickel my pickel actually made me want to dail 911 lol Love you!
honkin at black guys in akron in the middle of the night would frighten even the most stoic of women...
Thanks for the words of encouragement, and yes it was the hangover talking anyway.
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. I love you, too! :)
You know I feel your pain on the whole existing for the approval of others. For me, though, I don't even believe them when I've actually worked hard enough to garner their approval. Sometimes I just get in a constant state of trying to please people .. and in the end it doesn't matter how pleased they are cuz I don't believe them anyway... Make any sense?
Growing up things were never good enough for my mom's standards or my step-dad's. So now I'm the same way. I always judge myself and feel like I just don't measure up to others. I try to think of the quote you have on your page, Amanda. The one about how others are more fucked up than they may appear. :)
You have helped me a lot in my life, and you know that. It's a wonderful gift you give to others that they can know you are always there for them. You have been a wonderful addition to my life. I hope together we can figure out our "messes". :)
that's kinda what I meant.
Just being in akron in the middle of the night is creepy enough...
good you didnt delete it. i know when i get depressed/angry i tend to bottle it up. so i blog it all. then usually i regret posting my blog buttt at the time it made me feel so much better. =) neways. let me just say i think you are one of the most amazing ppl i know. your so strong. life can throw anything at you and you have still made a wonderful life and family outta it all. im always here if u need me. im sure i'll need you here soon with mommy questions =)
I really am so lucky. I have the most wonderful and supportive friends. It makes me feel a little silly for even getting down in the dumps in the first place. I know it was the drinking though. Guess that's why liquor is considered a depressant drug. Darn! But its so fun!
I love answering Mommy questions! :)
liqor is deff a anti drug. when i used to be a drunk when my ex n i broke up it was such a bad combo sometimes. other times its soooo fun. like on ur birthday and you ride the bull at the whiskey ranch haha
Post a Comment