What about now....What about today.

Today is the first time I've blogged in forever.

Things have been really confusing for me lately. I made a big giant mess in my life and I have absolutely no idea how to get out of it. I've been praying a lot. I go back and forth every day, several times a day, about what I'm supposed to do. I know that it's all my fault. I just put things off until it turns into a giant ordeal. I'm not sure how much detail to go into, but I'm sure anyone reading this already knows what I'm talking about.

School is going well. I'm working hard and trying to get done. I am really just so sick of school at this point. I can't wait for it to be over with.

The baby is doing marvelously. I can't believe he's almost 2. He is smart and playful and he's an all around fantastic child. I love being with him. He makes me laugh all the time. He is like a little parrot and repeats everything we say.

We just got rid of our dog and cat. I am still pretty sad about it. The baby still asks about them from time to time, so I think he misses them too. I basically just got tired of taking care of them. I know that sounds selfish. Before Leonardo was born I spent so much of my time, money, and love on those animals. After he was born they faded into the backdrop. I never had time to play with them, or do things with them like I used to. I was feeling really guilty about it. It started to seem like the only time I noticed them was when they were doing something bad. Plus, with our busy schedules, I never had time to put the dog out and he was peeing in the house sometimes, which of course drove me crazy. So I decided to put an add on craigslist, just to see what would happened. I was going to just put the dog on, but since they both grew up together, I figured I might be able to get them a home together so I placed two seperate adds. Well, I got an overwhelming response. Probably because Emilio is a purebreed. I had probably 30 responses in less than 24 hours. Two of them offered to take the cat and dog together.

I ultimately settled on one really nice lady. She had a dog and 2 cats already. Earlier this year she had to put two of her little dogs to sleep. Both within a 6 month period. So she had 2 spots to fill. She lives on a huge 3 acre piece of land in Clinton. There's a little pond and she has an invisible fence around the parameter. I went to her house for an in person interview. It was beyond perfect. Emilio got along great with her dog. Giovanni was timid, but he was eating and warming up to her after a day or so. She's a nice, older lady. She really loves animals and it showed. She had tons of toys. She told me about her daily routine which basically revolved around feeding and playing with her pets. On top of that she pays a man to come by during the day while she's at work and socialize with the animals and put the dogs out. It was all I could have hoped for. I know they will be so much happier with her than with me. I miss them, but I just wasn't able to give them any of my time or energy.

I started a new job like 3 weeks ago. I really love it and I'm really good at it. It's telemarketing, which I'm not keen about, but it is a good fit for me. I get people to renew their magazine subscriptions. There are a lot of perks. First of all you make your own schedule every week. You have to schedule at least 20 hours and you have 7 days worth of shifts to pick from: Mon-Fri 6pm-11pm, Sat 10am-3pm and Sun 1-6. The shift starts late enough that I never need sitters for the baby. Dan is almost always off on time for me to go to work. Also, I get paid every week, there's no uniforms, and the environment is really laid back (you can eat, drink, cuss, text, and play around with the other workers). There's no such thing as a call off, you just call in and tell them you can't work your shift and you just switch for a day you aren't working. That offers me a lot of flexibility. I get paid a base rate plus commission. I have been making a killing. My wages end up being between $10-$20 bucks an hour. Even on bad nights. Not everyone does so well, but I'm one of the all stars in the room. I almost always finish in the top five of the room for sales every night. I really thrive on the competition and knowing that with every sale I'm raising my base pay.

It's pretty much the perfect job for now, till I graduate from school. I really can't do the whole 9-5 thing right now. Daycare is a fortune and I can't seem to find an office job that pays more than $11. So when I did the calculations, 40 hours a week in daycare would cost me around $3.50 an hour. Bringing my base pay figuratively down to just $7.50. Which is hardly worth letting some other person I don't know raise my son for 8 hours or more of every day. I'd rather make a little less(which I'm technically not) and have Leonardo with either me or Dan.

I hope I sort things out in life. Generally things are always good. I am blessed and have a lot to be thankful for. I guess I'm infamous for creating turmoil in my life and always thinking when things are good that something must be wrong. I will keep praying. I just know in my heart that no matter how bad I fuck up, things will always work themselves out one way or the other. They always have, I'm sure they always will. Nobody is perfect and there aren't any rules or guides to life. You just have to try to make the best decisions you can and try your best.